Been some time since the last update.
Apart from being a lazy Fat Bastard there IS a reason …It started when I was arguing with some clever cunt that shoplifting and burglary was perfectly acceptable.  For example, if you had a serious alcohol problem and needed beer tokens. Seems reasonable to me. A guy’s gotta drink beer, right?
Anyway, seems like some Judges never agree with common sense and the twat gave me 18 fuckin’ months!

Oh well, now back to buying my own food, paying rent, council tax, leccy bills and stuff.
Shit, wheres my crow bar.

Got a lot to catch up on …Seems that in Football sexism is a biy of a Gray area.

You couldn’t say I was sexist , I love women. I reckon every guy should have at least three.
Not sure about babies though. I like ‘em, but I couldn’t eat a full one.

That is daddy’s thumb, right??

Thought for the day:
When you’re sat on a bus, head set on, iPod volume top whack – REMEMBER …Your farts are only silent to yourself!

And talking about farting…

Nice shoes.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown decides to ban the legal high Mephedrone  in the run up to the general election. (That’s Meow Meow to you and me:) What a Dick. Surely he’d have more chance of people voting for him if they were ON DRUGS! Prick.

Meanwhile the icelandic volcano’s still blowing Ash…. That’s more than Cheryl Cole is!
And the airlines are still grounded. Still, at least this cuts down the immigration and stops the Chris Moyles show for a while.
Iceland shafted us last year too when their banks went tits up with all our dosh – We asked for cash and all we got was fucking ash!

Apparently the pope cried when he met some of the pedo priests sex abuse victims – Well they do say that tears are a paedophiles lubricant of choice.

I admit I’m a junk food addict, but calling McDonalds a restaurant is like calling Scooby Doo a detective series. Everyone knows it’s really a fantasy porn show.

KFC bring out a bunless chicken burger. Sounds good, they’ve moved on from the early days of ‘chicken in a basket’.
But hey, WTF’s wrong with a bird in a basket?

Now and again I get problems with my ears – infections, wax and stuff. so, I go down the Doctors…
“Can you describe the symptoms?” says the doc.
“Yeh, no problem… Homer is a lazy yellow fat bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!”

So, I’m trying to look after my health. I cut down the drinking a bit, but you know it was a good night out when you fart the next day and have to wipe your arse. Probably the crap I eat too though – Believe it or not there’s a sign in McDonalds that says ‘Sorry we don’t accept £50 notes’ -
Jesus, if I had a £50 note I’m fucked if I’d be spending it on that shite!

Nothing quite says, ‘I’m an ugly bastard with no personality’ quite like having a Thai wife.
Although she did just say I have a big cock. Whoops, I forgot the punctuation, should read as…. She did just say, “I have a big cock”.

My Dad once said, “Son, always try to make sure you have a bird on the end of your cock at every possibility”
Good advice, and I quite like coloured birds actually.

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year…It’s called the iRon
I’m not sexist, but Women should know their place and, always do their clothes shopping at male recommended shopping areas. The t-shirt shop below, for example.

Top Skank Lady GaGa gets her kit off again, this time in an attempt to prove conclusively that ’she’ doesn’t have a dick – Ummm, not convinced.

This pic snatched from her banned video for ‘Telephone’, featuring Beyonce (for some reason) has actually had the all important juicy bits blurred out. So, not proof at all.

Nice tits though , even if ’she’ does one day turn out to be a bloke.
You can download the (semi) uncensored, Banned Lady GaGa and Beyonce Video here, but it’s really not worth wanking over.
Although maybe she was, once…

Mix up the letters in the words ‘large breasts’ and they become a perfect anagram of ‘great braless’. Fascinating uh?

On BBC news this week…. ‘Baby born to a brain dead woman’
I’m not really sure why that’s news. That shit happens every day on council estates all over the country.
But talking of mingers, you know you’re a fat ugly bitch when you walk past a site and the builders shout, “Show us your personality!”

Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Katie Price (Jordan)… They and many other skanks boosted their careers by sucking and fucking on film. The celebrity ’stolen’ sex tape has given a boost to dozens of talentless bimbo’s…
And the latest to jump on this gravy train of sleaze? None other than Scotlands own, X-factor singing sensation, Susan Boyle!
See Subo in all her glory Tits Out and Sucking Cock – Not a pretty sight, but at least it stops her singing for a few minutes!

I got a txt message yesterday, obviously meant for someone else, it said:
‘Hi, be home soon, love ya loads, Steve xxx’
Course, I had to have a bit of fun so I txt the guy back:
‘Don’t bother you ugly cunt, I don’t love You and I’ve been fucking your brother’
I couldn’t wait for the reply… Then it came:
‘You OK Mum?’

Your Mum’s so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending